


Lose Yourself (Think of Nothing)

by HouseElfMagic



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M, episode 4: Creme Brûlée, i know lukas is struggling but philip is my baby and he hurt him, philip-centric, this poor boy deserves some love, unfortunately I gave him angst instead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 22:59:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8552833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HouseElfMagic/pseuds/HouseElfMagic
Summary: This miserable backwoods conservative town was sucking the life out of him. He was just so tired all the time. He felt like a walking zombie, going through the motions, but empty.Unless he was with Lukas.Sometimes he hated Lukas because he made Philip feel so much.





	

Philip wanted all this mess to end. All the lies, all the pain, all the trauma... he just wanted things to stop, but he couldn’t get one damn day of peace. He missed his mom. He missed the city. He missed his life.

This miserable backwoods conservative town was sucking the life out of him. He was just so tired all the time. He felt like a walking zombie, going through the motions, but empty.

Unless he was with Lukas.

Sometimes he hated Lukas because he made Philip feel so much. He would push and pull, kiss and insult. Lukas was so adamant that being gay was wrong and unacceptable that he was denying what was right in front of him. Except his denial went beyond himself as he hurt Philip and Rose in his own struggle. Rose was the cover, but she had no idea why he was suddenly so distant, then close, then distant again. But he made Philip--and god, he had to know what that did to Philip--film them having sex.

Philip wanted to cry, to rant, to smoke, to drink until he couldn’t think straight. Instead he went inside, grabbed some clean clothes and made his way to the bathroom.

Cutting the water as hot as he could stand it, he stood under the spray and just felt empty. In the shower, where no one was around, it was okay to be broken. He could shatter, fall apart at the edges and build himself up again.

The hot spray pelted angrily at his back and he slowly sat down in the tub.

What do you do when the guy you like likes you back... but you’re the ‘other woman’? When you’re just his little bitch, though he says you’re so much more.

How do you live with that?

The scene kept replaying in his mind. It was like Lukas was looking right at him while he filmed. And that made it even worse. A dull ache pounded in his chest and Philip finally let it overcome him. With the shower’s water, one couldn’t see his tears, hear his cries. He knew how to cry quietly.

He wanted to yell, to rage at Lukas. Hell, he half wanted to punch Rose at that. He wanted to scream at Lukas’s father and whoever else made him think being gay wasn’t okay. He wanted to see his mom. He wanted to be with Lukas, to lose himself in the blond boy. He wanted a bottle of liquor to drown his sorrows.

Instead he closed his eyes and focused on the steam surrounding him and the hot water turning his skin red and purposefully thought of nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> Please please watch Eyewitness. This show deserves all the love (and these boys deserve a happy ending).
> 
> tumblr: House-Elf-Magic


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